At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
