so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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