the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize