I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
