From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize