I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
