when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
