tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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