Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
