Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
