Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
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We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
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I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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