I am puke
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia