I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
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Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
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Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
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He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.