youre lurking in front of me
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.