she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
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I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
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I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?