why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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