My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
