shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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