I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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