Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
