I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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