Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
