Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
