You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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