were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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