R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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