He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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