I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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