god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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