He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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