She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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