you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
