Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
