The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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