Dual....:-)
You can't motorboat a personality
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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