i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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