dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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