defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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