I heard we made out
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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