I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
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But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
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Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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