So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
