Apparently you make a good broom.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
