Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just gargled with NyQuil
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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