I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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