how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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