awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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