she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
