Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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