She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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