Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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