Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch