gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
