Just fell off a train. Bad.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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