he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
