Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
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i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
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HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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