I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
