I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
