Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
