she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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